Questions For Your Lover

To Help Create More Depth, Intimacy& Connection In Your Marriage

COMPILED BYKACEY GARDNER



“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your
heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make
sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even
an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little
luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the
casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe,
dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To
love is to be vulnerable.”
- C.S. Lewis


My husband Steve and I always love to say that we fell
in love at an amusement park. We spent our first
summer together exploring that little amusement park
that is just outside Salt Lake County. We ran from ride to
ride, holding hands, laughing and sneaking in kisses as
often as we could.
But the truth is, we fell in love on the long car rides to
and from that little 100 year-old amusement park. It was
almost an hour outside of town and we made the drive
at least three times a week that summer. To pass the
time, I looked up questions to ask each other for the
ride.
We learned so much about each other on those long
rides. I got to see the complexities Steve and it set the
stage for both of us to be curious about all the things
that drive us to do the things we do. I fell in love so
completely and more importantly, I felt seen and
understood in a way I never had before.
To this day, I still research questions to ask each other
when we go on little road trips or date nights. I don’t
want to be one of those couples that we all see at
restaurants. You know the ones…they are sitting there,
looking content, almost bored, and not saying a word to
their partner. Inevitably, they end up pulling out their
phones and scrolling through Insta, no doubt checking
out other people’s lives and comparing it to their own
bored existence.
NO! Say no to being lulled into thinking this is what is
normal after the honeymoon phase is over. You are
sorely mistaken if you think you already know
everything you will ever know about your lover. I
promise they will surprise you if you ask them the right
questions.
As you answer these questions, be sure to be
authentic and honest. Do not answer in a way that
will manipulate your partner. This is not a “to do
list”.
These questions may seem completely random, but
they are in the exact order I intended so that it
keeps your interest and keeps things playful and
fun. Most of all, I hope you keep your walls down
and you can be receptive to your spouse as you
both try to keep your lines of communication open.
This list of questions are meant to foster feelings of
love and lust. If you don’t like a question or you feel
the question will shut you down, skip it! You can
always revisit it another time.
If the questions about sex make you uncomfortable,
lean in and try to answer them anyway. Remember,
the sexual connection you share with your spouse
is what sets your marriage apart from other kinds of
relationships in your life. It’s extremely important
for both partners to feel heard in this area of your
marriage. You might be surprised to find that your
spouse in craving things you never considered, so
enjoy getting to know their deepest desires!
Be curious and open. Be compassionate and kind,
to yourself and your partner.
When was a time you felt that I listened to you really well?
What has been impressing you most about me lately?
Who is someone that inspires you? Why?
What did your parents say or do that you found difficult?
What did your parents teach you that you appreciate now?
What is the first thing you noticed about me?
What qualities make me special to you?
If you could live one day over and over again for the rest of
your life, which day would it be?
Can you remember the best sex we ever had? What made it
so great?
When did you know you wanted to marry me?
What overwhelms you?
If you had two hours alone with no interruptions, what would
you do with the time?
How can I be more present in our marriage?
If I were to die suddenly today, what is one thing you would
want me to know?
What physical feature do you love most about me?
If you were to die suddenly today, what is something you
would want me to know and/or something you would want
me to tell our kids?
Describe yourself in three words.
Describe me as if you are describing me to someone who
never met me before.
How often do you think about sex?
Favorite sexual position? (You can’t say “all of them”)
When do you feel most loved?
What would you say is your biggest strength?
What do you think is my biggest strength?
How do I make you a better person?
What made you first fall in love with me?
If you could have dinner with one person, who would it be
and why?
What is the #1 thing on your bucket list?
Is there anything I can take off your plate to lighten your
load?
Where would you want to go on vacation (if $ wasn’t a
factor)?
When is the last time you cried and why?
If we could do one home remodeling project, what would you
want to do?
What can I do to encourage and support you better?
What is your happiest childhood memory?
If you could choose your own name, what would you
choose?
What is your favorite part of your body for me to touch?
How can I better meet your emotional needs and desires?
What is one thing you would change about our sex life?
What is your favorite thing to do on a date?
If I had to cook one meal for you for the rest of our lives,
what would you want it to be?
What has been your favorite memory of our time together?
What do you love most about me?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What’s something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do?
What’s a new hobby you’ve always wanted to try?
What’s something you’d like to do together that we’ve never
done? What makes it so enticing to you?
Which of our couple friends or acquaintances do you admire
the most? What is it about their relationship that impresses
you?
What do you like us doing together?
What goals do you have for us?
Do you feel like we have sex often enough?
What are some things I can do outside of the bedroom to
keep the feelings of intimacy going all day?
What age do you wish you could go back to and give
yourself advice? What would your advice be?
What is one thing or activity that makes you feel alive?
What makes you feel appreciated?
What has been your greatest accomplishment this year?
What is one thing you wish I would compliment you more
on?
What have you learned about being married that you wish
newly married couples knew?
When do you feel closest to me?
What can I do to make you feel more confident about us and
our future?
Do you like to look into my eyes while we make love? If not,
what is holding you back?
What adventure would you like to do in the next few months?
What has gotten you excited these days?
What is the most useful life advice you received? Who gave
the advice to you?
My sexiest feature is…
What’s your biggest fear in our relationship?
What do you think I need the most right now?
What do I do that turns you on the most?
What is your favorite way to show your love to me?
How can we add more quality to our alone time?
What has made you laugh or brought you joy this week?
When was the last time you felt proud of me and what was I
doing to make you feel proud?
The one thing that I couldn’t have done without you was…
(can’t say have children)
What is one thing that you want to try in the bedroom that we
haven’t done yet?
What is a topic that you feel you could feel lost in for hours?
What are you looking forward to this week?
What has made you cry or upset recently?
What are two of your happiest memories of our early days
together when we were dating?
Is there a smell or a sound that you remember from those
early days that still makes you smile?
What was your favorite date that we ever had? What made it
so special for you?
Do you have a favorite adventure that we took together?
What made it your favorite?
What can I do to make you feel more respected?
What is that you have always wanted to do as a child but
couldn’t do?
Are there any books you would like to read?
What are a few of your favorite books?
Who was your first celebrity crush?
If you had a crystal ball that could tell you anything at all
about your life that you don’t already know, what would you
ask it to tell you?
If you could wake up tomorrow morning with one new skill or
ability, what would you choose?
What's something that you'd like to try, but haven’t braved
yet?
What holds you back from dreaming big?
If all of your friends were asked to describe you, which
friend’s description would be the most accurate and why?
What's the one thing about yourself that you would most like
to change?
What was your favorite place to go as a child and why did
you love it there?
If you could be any character in a book (or movie), who
would you choose to be?
If someone gave you enough money to start a business—no
strings attached—what kind of business would you want to
start?
What is your favorite way for me to initiate sex?
If you could possess one artistic talent (painting, sculpture,
composing music, writing, etc.), which talent would you
choose and why?
What characteristics of mine do you hope our child(ren) grow
up to possess?
What qualities do you see in our child(ren) that remind you of
yourself as a child?
If you could have been an eyewitness to any event in history,
which one would you choose?
What do you like most about your appearance?
If you had to guess right now, what do you think our kid(s)
would choose as a career someday and why?
If we were to have met 5 years before we did, do you think I
would have been interested in dating you? Why or why not?
Is there anything you miss from when we were dating that
we can do now?
How do you usually try and let me know that you are in the
mood for sex?
What memories would you like to create this year?
If we could travel anywhere, where would you like to go?
How did you siblings shape who you are?
How can I create a safe space for us to be more open with
each other?
Is there a movie that reminds you of us? Why or why not?
When did you know you wanted to kiss me?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it
be? Why?
What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?
When was the last time you really belly-laughed and what
happened to make you do that?
What would you do with one week to do anything, all
expenses paid?
What are five things you are grateful for?
What’s the best surprise you’ve ever received?
Is connecting emotionally before we have sex important to
you? If so, how would you like to connect?
Do you remember the very first thing you thought about me?
What did you learn about marriage from your parents?
How close and warm is your family?
Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other
people’s?
What’s your favorite memory with your mom?
What’s your favorite memory with your dad?
What would you like us to discuss but have been hesitant to
bring up?
Getting to know your partner is a never ending quest.
Revisit these questions often. Stay curious about your
lover and be willing to let go of what you think you know
about them already.
So many of the problems in marriages today is a break
in communication with each other. We decide that we
know how a person will react and then we treat them
accordingly without ever asking them. Asking questions
is the first step in recognizing the divine within your
partner. Stay open, stay curious and keep cultivating
your desire to really see your partner and let them really
see you.
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable
and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and
when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from
that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something
that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be
cultivated between two people when it exists within
each one of them – we can only love others as much as
we love ourselves.”
- Brené Brown
Kacey is an intimacy and empowerment coach for Christian women.
To work with Kacey contact her at:
kacey@coachkacey.com